A-Whole Foods…

November 10, 2009

Yet again, I am annoyed by something about American people that most people just glance over and don’t let bother them. Oh how soothing and stress-free a lobotomy must be…

I can’t help but be perturbed by people who rail against unnatural foods. These are the people you would see at the Whole Foods Market strolling up and down the aisles in their “Impeach Bush” t-shirts, and pants that look like they’ve been cut out of a bed spread. I have no problem with the idea of eating healthy, but when you are willing to pay $5 for a half-sized bag of organic pita chips, there is something very wrong with your brain.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “what the hell does he know about the health risks of food preservatives or the health benefits of organically grown crops”, but let me tell you a little something…actually that’s exactly all I can tell you because I will be the first to admit that I don’t know shit. But I did do a little research and found that in fact there are some preservatives that can cause cancer…in lab rats…possibly…maybe.

Take Sodium Nitrite for instance. This cancer-causing yet extremely tasty chemical can be found in such health packed foods as Slim Jims, cured meats such as salami and beef jerky, hot dogs, and bacon. While you probably shouldn’t snort lines of Sodium Nitrite because you’re feeling bored on a Sunday, the amount of this stuff found in these foods, which any rational person doesn’t eat anyways, is negligible. The FDA itself has concluded that there is no proof that this stuff causes cancer in humans…only in some lab rats…on a part of their body that we don’t even have. While this is only one chemical preservative that I happen to have studied, I do understand it isn’t the only one debated. It is however one that has some of the biggest hoopla surrounding it.

I am not going to sit here and say that organic foods are useless. In fact it has been proven that they have many more important nutrients in them than their preservative-laden counterparts. But here’s an idea…the next time you’re thinking about spending $4 a pound for organically grown string beans, why not buy it at Stop and Shop, save yourself a couple bucks, and instead head on over to the vitamin aisle and get yourself an all-in-one supplement. This way you don’t look like a pretentious jack ass as you walk out of the Whole Foods market, one grocery bag in hand, $65 poorer, and with that subconscious thought you’re trying to conceal that the only reason you shop there anyways is because it gives you a persona to identify yourself with.

Or here’s another alternative. Take all that money you save by shopping at the normal human being store, and get yourself a nice hooker every now and then. With the money you free up, you can treat yourself to a vast array of stress relieving services this young lady may offer, thus lowering blood pressure, reducing grey hairs, and making sure you never have to pay alimony or child support. And if you really can’t stay away from the Whole Foods store, you can head back in there after you get herpes from said lady of the night and peruse their holistic medicine aisle. I’m sure they have some type of medication made from lady bug penises and banana peels that can cure even the most rampant case of gential warts imaginable…

A Dollar For Your Dignity…

November 10, 2009

Something rather odd happened to me today. Now I’m sure some of you are thinking that I smiled, and you’d be wrong. However I do smile all the time…usually when someone falls down or a driver on a cell phone gets their minivan torn in half by an 18 wheeler…but I digress…

I was in Harvard Square tonight and was trying to decide where to eat. I happen to love Felipe’s Taqueria…if you haven’t been, it’s a pretty authentic Mexican restaurant that takes cash only, but is cheap and very tasty (if anyone comments on this saying that my use of the word “Mexican” is biased I am going to alert the authorities that you have child pornography on your computer).

Anyways…I was walking down the street about a block away, and this guy comes up to me and asks me for a dollar so that him and his sister can split a burrito. Now to be honest, this guy did not look like he needed a dollar. He could clearly afford the brand new skateboard he was riding, the designer clothes he had on, and the razor he used to shape the god awful beard he had on his face that resembled something fire marshall bill might sport. I politely lied through my teeth and said I only had a credit card, even though I had exactly one dollar in cash on me.

We went our separate ways and I headed off to the ATM to get some money out for Felipe’s. As I walked back to the restaurant, I look in the window and there’s the guy who asked me for the dollar, with his sister, and in line to get a burrito.

At this point, I am faced with a decision: Either find a new restaurant, or walk inside and get a burrito right in front of the guy I just lied to about not having money for him to eat.

I am now being barred from a restaurant because I refused to be charitable. I wanted a burrito, but couldn’t get one because the asshole who probably did not need my money in the first place has gotten it from some other sucker, and beat me to it. I understand this is not his fault, but it made me chuckle heartily…

The point of this heartwarmer of a story is this: I am sick and tired of being faced with seemingly forced charity all the time. Not that I don’t like charity…on the contrary I think it is a very important thing to do and is good for the soul. It feels good to help people. But if I am not feeling charitable at any given time…I don’t want to be made to feel or look like a dick because I don’t want to give a dollar to the breast cancer fund today. I don’t like paying for my groceries at Stop and Shop and have the girl at the register ask me if I want to donate money to the starving children foundation while there is a line of people staring and waiting for my answer. If I say no, I instantaneously become a bag of shit to those 4 strangers that I will know for all of 2 minutes. I understand that this shouldn’t bother me, and I also understand that if I had my way, there would be a giant neon sign right above the register that flashed and made booing sounds at every person that turned down the donation option to let everyone in the store know that you don’t want children to eat. I know this may sound contradictory, but I would take a semester off from school to free up some time if they had one of those…

In any case…I do like helping those in need…but a guy who wants a dollar for a burrito who is wearing a Sean John sweatshirt doesn’t exude the “need” characteristic to me. Let me decide where my charity dollars go…and don’t make me feel like a dick because I spent my money on the “Cure ALS” jar as opposed to the “Fix a Child’s Cleft Pallet” fund. In the end, at least I’m helping someone…


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